PLEASE HOLD (aka "Get Lost", You're Screwed", "F.U.")

This article is about how attempting to have your phone bill corrected guarantees you either getting an aneurysm or committing hara-kiri.

I recently changed my cell phone carrier, naively thinking that with one telephone call, I could stop services for my cell phone number as well as my land-line number I had with my present carrier (in this case, AT&T.) It all seemed much too easy. Too good to be true. However, these are modern times and everything is done by applications, software, and computers. (People? Get with the times, grandpa – People are obsolete.) I was assured by the person that I would receive one more bill for both the land-line and cell phone numbers. She then said, I may even get some money refunded, before she quickly covered the mouthpiece so I would not hear the belly laughs of herself and the other troglodytes sitting near her. No fool like an old fool, I stupidly smiled as I hung up the phone.

Within a month I received two bills claiming I owed over fifty dollars. Admittedly a paranoid schizophrenic, I still firmly believe that all the telecommunication carriers make these billing “mistakes” (always in their favor) counting on the fact that the large majority of customers won't check their phone bill and even if they did, they wouldn't have the basic math skills to figure out the amount was incorrect. Of course, for those who do follow-up, their private hell awaits. But ignorance and stubbornness are two traits I wear proudly, so I made the call thinking, this shouldn't take long.

Now, this wasn't my first time at the rodeo. I've learned to push the number that brings you to the “adding new services dept.” because these calls get answered quicker than billing questions. What an optimistic, gullible moron I was to think they hadn't figured that old trick out by now. This is the new AT&T. Not the old one that was broken up for being a monopoly back in the day when any domestic long distance call would cost you an arm or a leg – they would give you the choice.

Having the survival instincts of a lemming, I dialed and that is when I entered Dante's seventh circle of hell. I got the dreaded automated voice asking me my number, last 4 digits of my social security, and several other identity stealing questions. The “voice” finally acknowledged my persistent screaming of “Operator!” by informing me wait time for an available operator was two minutes...and then the Beelzebub Philharmonic Orchestra began it's unending loop of muzak. This form of torture (which makes “water-boarding” feel like a day at the beach) is the carrier's third line of defense, knowing that only people with the patience of Job or a death wish will remain holding. And there is always their final line of defense that is the meely-mouthed double talk of the customer representative that accidentally takes your call off hold.

“Hello. My name is “Bill” (instructed to always give a different fake name.) “How may I help you?”

Ahh, the friendly voice of the customer service representative trained by the carrier to assist you down the road to insanity. I knew that I could not let them sense fear, so I took a deep breath and then slowly explained how the billing amount was incorrect, since I had stopped service exactly at the end of their last billing cycle. A smile appeared on my face. I had run the proverbial gauntlet, proven my case, and had survived. But they were not throwing in the towel...not yet. The only thing more dangerous than a wounded mother animal protecting its young is a telephone carrier protecting its profits.

The customer service rep proceeded, without ever taking a breath, to explain how my calculations were wrong because I didn't take into consideration the following factors. To paraphrase the rep, “Sir, your calculation would be correct if it were not for the differing billing cycles of your land-line and your wireless numbers. Therefore, you still owe for some days of use of your wireless phone. In addition, if you would please refer to the line on your May and April bills saying Credits/Adjustments/Other charges, you'll see you were billed for services that are non-existent, but still, legally binding. Also there is the extra charge of you being brazen enough to think you could take on an organization that has been ripping of its customers way before you were even born. Nothing can stop the powers that be from getting their seven figure bonuses, especially a bottom feeding lowlife such as yourself. However...(said in a friendly tone) I could credit you for three days at the end of May which would lower your bill by twelve dollars and three cents. Before you answer please remember that this call is being taped and we know where you live. Shall I have your bill recalculated and sent out to you or would you prefer to speak to my supervisor?”

These may not be the exact words said, but they were certainly implied. I got their message. And I knew better than to be put on hold to wait for an indefinite period of time for the next cadaver that showed any signs of reanimation to speak to me claiming to be a supervisor, only to have this generous offer of twelve dollars and three cents rescinded.

“I'll take it”, my weak, frightened voice said into the phone. “Fine,” the rep replied.. “You'll receive the new correct bill in three to five days. Is there anything else I can help you with today?” As I laid in the fetal position on the wood floor in the corner of my room, I managed to raise my head high enough to see through my window my hefty neighbor in her apartment playing the piano and singing. I put the phone to my lips and softly answered, “No...And thank you for your help.”