MY BOYFRIEND IS OUT ON PAROLE

“MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK” (aka “My Boyfriend's Out On Parole”)

Only time I really listen to music on the radio anymore is when I'm driving my car. I don't have a long commute to work (since I'm unemployed), however, I do live in Los Angeles where even a drive down the block can take anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour, depending on traffic. I was “station surfing” (channel surfing except with a radio – this is Southern Cal, dude – any excuse to surf, especially for a middle-aged man like myself originally from New Jersey.) It was an “oldies” station. You know, playing those classics of yesteryear when there were no problems in the world (let's just forget about that little missile incident in Cuba in '62 for now ) and the songs represented those times with titles like “Earth Angel”, “One Fine Day”, “Peggy Sue”.

However, after the DJ finished spouting his nonsensical gibberish, the next song he played reminded me that not everything was peaches and cream (pre Peaches and Herb) back in the “good ole days.” The song is called “My Boyfriend's Back” and was recorded several times. I am not sure which version I heard or who the original writers are, but this singer was a young lady (older than “Sweet 16”, perhaps “Psychotic 17”) and the tune was playful and optimistic. But then I started listening closely to the lyrics. I must mention the lyrics I am quoting for this article are by memory, so I'm not 100% certain they are correct, nor am I 100% certain I took my medication today. I should also mention that when I refer to the singer's intent, I am actually referring to the songwriters' intent (male or female, I don't know.)

Let's just take a look at some of the lyrics in the song. The theme is right there in the opening line (or shall I say, opening threat) that is sung: “My boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble.” Next line after chorus, “If you see him come, better cut out on the double.” Well, it rhymes.

“Look out now, cause he's coming after you.” That should certainly help cure the aspiring Casanova of his insomnia.

“You're gonna be sorry you were ever born.” Now that is just cruel to say to a teenager or any young person. This regret of being born should happen naturally, like when the person is middle-aged and working at a thankless dead-end job because he has a wife gaining pounds by the second and several snot-nosed know-it-all kids depending on him for food and shelter.

“Cause he's kinda big and he's awful strong.” Could very well be describing a gorilla at this point. But it's a cop-out. The last word should really rhyme with “born.” The writer(s) must have been a little hungry or tired at this point of venting. I mean, I can easily think up some alternative rhymes for the word “born.” How about “corn, thorn, horn, mourn, porn, torn, worn,?” Let's try it out: “You're gonna be sorry you were ever born,” “Cause he's awful horny and running out of porn.” or “Cause his favorite stuffed bear is worn and torn.” or “Cause his friends told him 'bout how I blew your horn.” I'm just saying, there are alternatives.

The song continues, “Now you're gonna get a beatin'.” When someone says, “Beatin'” and swallows the “g” on the end, you know it's not good news. It most certainly means they didn't pronounce the “t” in the word. There is a direct corallary between the lack of enunciation with the viciousness of the promised “beatin'” If you don't believe me, just spend some time in certain neighborhoods of Brooklyn, Bronx, and New Jersey.

“You're a big man now, but he'll cut you down to size.” I see nothing positive to take from this line. It's almost a promise, there will be some type weapon involved in the assault. And this is the only time the background singers follow with three simple words, “Wait and see!”

“If I were you, I'd take a permanent vacation.” Well, at least it's a positive suggestion. Maybe this threatening hussy is singing another tune now. “I can see he's coming, now you better start a running.” No, she's still singing the same tune of violent vengeance. Plus, she's now adding words like “a”. Unless she meant it as a sarcastic suggestion like “You better start, uh....running.” Another mystery of these lyrics that will be taken to the grave.

As I pulled into my driveway, the next song had begun. It was Lesley Gore's “Judy's Turn to Cry.” I shut off the ignition before Judy even had a chance to whimper. But before I opened the car door, I did take a long look from my driveway to the front door. You know, a permanent vacation is not a bad idea. I could use the rest.